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Getting out of the way
I chaperoned a class hike today. A child fell and scraped her knee. She lost her confidence to keep going. I attended to her, gave her options, let her choose, and stayed close until she didn’t need me – then let her go. That’s probably the work. Not fixing people, not instructing them. Staying regulated enough that they can borrow it, the way nervous systems entrain to each other. Maybe my part isn’t to lead anyone anywhere. Maybe it’s just to get out of the way.
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What I avoided found me anyway
As a child, I used to get lost in books that were filled with hardship and struggle. Because of reading those stories, I decided I wanted an easy life. Now as an adult, I can’t help but wonder if wanting so desperately to avoid hardship is exactly what put me in its path. When you spend so much energy wanting something, you’re focusing your attention on what you lack. The way out isn’t wanting harder or wanting something different. It’s accepting the now moment and enjoying what’s already here.
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No one talks about the cost of saying no
A friend asked if I had any interest in helping with the school’s garden. I said maybe, but only if it doesn’t cost me too much time and energy. That’s the trade I make with almost everything – guard the energy, spend it on my priorities, and let the rest go. It’s hard-won wisdom, but I still find I grieve the cost. Saying no does not fulfill the need of being wanted.
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I don’t feel unless I have a reason to
I cried this morning, alone, before anyone else was awake. Nothing triggered it – no movie, no story, no one in the room to react to. I’ve spent years managing my emotions instead of sitting with them, allowing them, acknowledging them. I wasn’t taught to do any of that. I’ve always needed someone else’s story as a mirror to feel what I’ve dismissed inside.
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Getting a wish doesn’t guarantee a fairy tale
I remember watching a movie as a kid and thinking, I want that – to live in my childhood home the way she did. I never really examined my desire much deeper than wanting the picturesque, rooted life that I saw on screen. I didn’t realize that when I finally ended up with my parent’s home, I would have to grieve. I have the house I wanted, but it didn’t come with the life I imagined living inside it.
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It’s surprising how easy it is for others to ruin my day
I won’t run an errand unless I’ve picked a time I think will be quiet. A Sunday night, or an early hour before the crowds. I tell myself it’s efficient. Really, I hate being boxed in by people who don’t follow the rules I expect them to. Their randomness produces something inside me that I don’t want to feel. I’d rather never need to confront that about myself. It’s easier than being the one who can handle anything.
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I’m still trying to win a competition I never consciously chose
I was the older sibling. He was the younger one. And somehow, I was always losing. It’s automatic, I don’t even think about it. I’m constantly keeping tabs on our scores. When I notice I’m doing it again, I ask myself if this is the game I want to keep playing. The answer is always no, yet my body hasn’t learned to let it go.
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Have I been healing or taking?
It surfaced mid-conversation, not while I was alone with my own pages. That’s when it always happens – I don’t feel most of my emotions when I’m by myself. For a second, I wondered if I’ve spent years using other people’s presence to access what I couldn’t reach alone, like I’d been quietly extracting something that was never mine to take. Or maybe there was never anything to access on my own. Maybe I was never taught how to reach it alone in the first place.
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Knowing when it’s not my game to lose
Last night, watching my husband play Tetris and asking why he placed each piece where he did. I was triggered. I couldn’t see his logic, so I needed him to explain it. I felt like I was on the hook if he lost. That’s not curiosity, it’s discomfort with someone else’s autonomy.
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Mistaking the counterfeit for the real thing
The one thing I want to send R into the world with is a self-trust so solid nothing can talk him out of it. I don’t have that myself. I’d built a version of it that looked real enough to pass – until motherhood mirrored it back and showed me the difference. He’s the reason I must face what I never cultivated. The stakes are so much higher if I can’t give it to him in time.